I just finished watching the season premiere of "Castle". . .

. . . and I don't think a single episode of a t.v. show has ever affected me so deeply. It broke my heart. :'(

Why, when people love each other, even in fiction, can they not tell each other? And even when they do, why lie about knowing it later??!!

I love these two characters and I know it sounds silly to be so invested in fictional television characters, but, it just seems to go against human nature not to tell someone when you love them. I know the pain of rejection. I know it firsthand.  I know because in the past I have nearly always put my heart on the line, offering it, and always having it handed or at times even thrown back at me. So, is it always better to tell the truth?

It all comes down to this: are you willing to put yourself on the line?  Offer yourself to another human being? allow them the opportunity of coming so deeply into who you both truly are, that you will both be utterly transformed, and never be the same again?  It is an awesome and terrifying prospect.  What will it reveal about you? about the other person?  What wonders await you? And what horrors too?  Is this the person that you believe will continue to love you, because of and in spite of who you are? Can you do the same for them?  Even when you have been through the fire and the pain, the ecstasy and the beauty? In the end, the discovery of the truth in ourselves and those we love, the discovery of Christ in each and every one of us, ultimately approaching the divine in all of us, and unleashing what we were truly meant to be . . . .  is that not something worth giving everything for?  Your heart, your soul, your every breath and moment of your life, waking and sleeping?

I HATE this gray area of life! Why does it have to be SO GRAY?! I know I prefer things to be black and white, and I know that is just not possible.  What is it that makes it all so complicated? The answer? People.  With their oddities and complexities, people are astounding and perplexing. Frustrating and wonderful! Fascinating and infuriating! Annoying and oddly endearing!  All at the same time!  No wonder we get into so muchtrouble!! ;-) Sometimes I wonder why God bothers with us at all . . .  but I thank Him every day, that He does!

But still, it is the unknown which holds us back. I still remember the rush and thrill of my first crush. :-) I can remember the exact moment I fell for the guy!  He was 2 years older (I was almost 12!) and I wrote him a love letter, left it at church (his family had just been chrismated at our church, and we went to the same private school) and . . .  are you ready for this?  I spelled his name wrong!! I was SO NAIVE!! Of  course, now, in hindsight, I can just smile and laugh it off, but when he broke my 12 year old heart, it was crushing! Did I learn from that first experience?  I suppose so, but the thing it taught me was that love does not conquer everything. . . . at least not unless it is reciprocated.  Not knowing if someone you love loves you in the same way, is the most frightening thing, especially  if the two of you are good friends.  How could you ever go back to that friendship if the other person doesn't feel the same?! You can't.  And so, you have to be willing to risk that, in order to tell the truth.  Now, some people won't or don't, and stay silent.  They (hopefully) put their trust in God, that if He opened their heart to the possibility of this relationship, that He will do the same for the other person.  Of course, as my dad likes to say, "The Lord helps those who help themselves".  So, it is still a gray area that is oh so very difficult to walk through!

What power we allow people to have over us! They bring us unutterable joy! And seemingly unending sadness!  They irritate and annoy, they surprise and startle, they amuse and endear themselves to us every day.  They bring SO MUCH into our lives!! WHY can't we tell them as much?!

Why do we have to continue feeling so insecure, that we can't share how we feel, myself most definitely included?!

This is what lingers in my mind as I go to sleep tonight. . . . .

Why we love Love Songs

I don't often talk about my "romantic sensibilities", for various reasons.  I used to be a heart and thoughts on my sleeve kinda girl. I still am to a degree, but I have grown more guarded in the past 7 years or so, so I generally keep these thoughts to myself, but I've been listening to so much great music lately, most of it in a romantic vein, so I thought I would share my thoughts. :-)

Once, I was asking a friend for advice. I tend to go betweeen the two extremes: either I am in the "depths of despair" (as Anne Shirley so aptly put it) or in the "halls of highest human happiness" (as Peter Marshall put it  in one of his sermons on marriage).  Romantic feelings tend to be like a roller coaster: sometimes you are just climbing up the hill to where you are so happy and excited!!!  (I have to tell you, that there is very little to compare with that high.  It can carry you SO FAR!!! :-D) And then, you start to go down, down, down . . . and as you go, you gain more momentum cause those negative thoughts have that kinda power, when you choose to give it to them.

So, I was confiding in a friend (you know who you are! ;-) you're the best btw!) and I was feeling VERY low (you know, it was the story we've all heard and experienced before, when you love/like someone  but you have NO idea if they feel the same and you are too scared to tell them for whatever reason. I didn't used to be that way, but as I said before, I am a lot more guarded than I used to be which can be good/ healthy and difficult at the same time;-) ). So, I was trying to get some perspective and perhaps a bit of a reality check. They told me something that I really and stupidly had NOT thought about: that liking someone is a beautiful thing, and that they envied me.  Wow!  What gifts friends are! :-D As depressed as I was feeling, as hopeless as I was feeling, this completely turned my feelings around!  I mean I still felt uncertain and afraid, and VERY insecure, but remembering what beauty these feelings bring into our lives is truly a blessing in disguise, regardless of the outcome.

For example: When you see a beautiful sunset or sunrise, and the first thing you think about is that person. You start to see them in all the beauty around you, in all the songs you hear, all the things you do . . . . this can be both wonderful and a wee bit frustrating too. ;-) But still, focusing on the positive (which can be hard) is the only way to properly channel these feelings so that they are most productive and not self-destructive. Afterall, God allows everything in our lives for a reason, and, as the lyrics near the end of the WONDERFUL musical "Les Miserables" say: "To love another person is to see the face of God."

So, it can be difficult to avoid songs that aren't romantic in some way.  Love is everywhere!  I was actually granted a little gift a few years ago at a retreat where a priest was comparing the love Christ has for us like the romantic love we have for someone else.  Christ courts us.  Wanting all of our love, devotion, and attention, to follow Him, to be with Him forever. I started to listen to certain love songs in a completely different way after that.  The greatest "romance" any of us can truly have is with God.  :-)  

Still though, some of those songs remind us how hard, wonderful, painful, incredible, and unbelievable romance is on earth as well! :-D Loving each other, in any capacity, is how we grow not only closer to each other, but closer to God as well. That is the real, true beauty of it all!!!

So, since it is everywhere, it is hard for us all not to feel some propensity towards love songs, no matter whether they are sad, happy, or even on occasion angry or if they are "geared" towards one gender or the other ;-) . We all experience the feelings that are expressed in these songs: longing, hope, insecurity, sadness, happiness, uncertainty, fear, pain, tears, separation, joy, beauty, etc. 

Have you ever had the experience of listening to an album and it just seems like song after song after song is the exact story of your life?!  You start to wonder if the artist is in the right line of work.  Maybe they should take up something like mindreading for a living instead. ;-P 

As I have said before, when talking about musicals, there are times in our lives when words alone are not enough to express what is truly in our hearts, and so we turn to music to help express it.  Like the beautiful chants in the Orthodox Church that express our love and devotion to God and His love for us.  Words are just never quite enough.  This is why we turn on the radio, iPod, or CD player.  And even for the same reason that we read: to know we are not alone.  Even the artist singing the song has shared these feelings and understands them. To remember that you are not the only one, and that we all share these experiences, helps us to not feel so alone or to feel even more joyful!

As Paul McCartney so aptly put it:

"You'd think that people would have had enought of silly love songs.

But I look around me and I see it isn't so.

Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs.

And what's wrong with that? 

I'd like to know, cause here I go again....."

So, you get the idea. :-D There are COUNTLESS love songs out there, and each one a jewel unto itself.  

Now, I actually do classify love songs in several different categories:

#1.) The Ballad

These are the slower paced, emotional, coming from the depths of our soul kinda songs.

Some of my favorites include but are NOT limited to:

"This Never Happend Before" by Paul McCartney

"It Might Be You" by Stephen Bishop

"When You Say Nothing at All" by Alison Kraus

"Realize" by Colbie Caillet

"Come What May" from Moulin Rouge soundtrack

"Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole

"If You're Not the One" by Daniel Bedingfield

They are not known for their upbeat happy sound, but for the tightly gripped melodies and the far reaching emotions of discovering love whether it is the first time or the last. Or both! :-)

#2.) Happy Love Songs ;-)

These are the upbeat songs that explore the pure joy and exhileration that love brings into our lives.

My favs are:

"For the First Time" by Lifehouse

"I Think I'm In Love With You" by Jessica Simpson

"Enchanted" by Taylor Swift

"I Love You" by Avril Lavigne

"Contagious" by Avril Lavigne

"Everything" by Michael Buble

"A Wink and a Smile" by Harry Connick Jr.

"Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble

"The Edge of Glory" by Lady GaGa

"What Makes You Different" by the Backstreet Boys

"Miracles Happen" by Myra

"You Set Me Free" by Michelle Branch

"If Only" by Hanson

#3.) The Music of Pain and Hope 

These are the songs you listen to when you are sad, uncertain, insecure, missing someone, or just looking for a little hope, etc.  You could put many of these in the same category as the Ballad. They often share the same deeply rooted emotional core, only pointing in a different direction.

Favorites:

"Everybody Hurts" by Avril Lavigne

"No Air" Glee version ;-)

"When You're Gone" by Avril Lavigne

"Wish You Were Here" by Avril Lavigne

"Things I'll Never Say" by Avril Lavigne (this is such a cute song!! ;-)

"Hold On" by B*Witched

"Gotta be Somebody" by Nickelback

"I'd Love You to Want Me" by Declan

"The One That Got Away" by Natasha Bedingfield

"No More Lonely Nights" by Paul McCartney

"Out of Reach" by Gabrielle

"The Waiting" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

"Goodnight My Someone" from "The Music Man"

"Somewhere Out There" by James Ingram and Linda Ronstadt

"My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne

"Fall to Pieces" by Avril Lavigne (Yes, I have been listening to her alot lately, especially her new album, "Goodbye Lullaby")

"Tearin' up my heart" by *Nsync

"I Want it That Way" by the Backstreet Boys

#4.) Love Songs that Transcend

So, these are actually my favorites out of all of them really.  These are songs that most people might not even neccessarily classify as "love" songs.  These songs tend to celebrate friendship more than anything, and when it comes down to it, the best and strongest form of romantic love is built on the foundation of friendship.  These are songs about being there for each other come hell or high water.

My all time favs are:

"I'll Stand By You" Glee cast version

"Lean on Me" also the Glee cast version :-)

"True Colors" again the Glee cast version ;-)

"The Call" by Regina Skektor

"No Matter What" by Boyzone

"Strong Enough to Bend" by Tanya Tucker

"With You ALL the Way" by Shane Sutton and the soundtrack to the 1990 cartoon film "The Jetsons"  I had just thought of this movie (I was 8) and I remember watching this film, especially this song over the credits, the night before we moved from Alburqurque when I was 10 and missing all of the friends I was leaving behind.

"MMMbop" by Hanson (Yes, I put this terrific upbeat song in this category! ;-)

And the ABSOLUTE #1 best song that goes in this category is: 

"Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne

So, in conclusion, as I was writing this today, I found out that two of my friends are now engaged! Congratulations again Sarah Schlichting and John Hesse! And as I was looking up something about the Orthodox Marriage Ceremony I saw that what Wikipedia had to say was really lovely and of course in complete aggreement with what I said earlier. Here is a quote from the begining:

"The Sacrament or, more properly, Sacred Mystery of Marriage does not unite a man and a woman. Rather, it is the Church's recognition of a union that God has already begun to work in their lives. As long as the union remains within the reality of this world, it will be subject to sin, pain, and death. But, through the Sacred Mystery, the union enters at the same time into a new reality: that of God's Kingdom. In Christ, marriage is restored to its initial perfection and in the sacrament, this union is made open to the possibility of what God intended marriage to be from the beginning: an eternal life of joy in union with Him.

"Thus, marriage goes beyond a legal contract. There is no exchange of vows - the two have freely and coequally committed to one another and consented to God's presence in their union. There is no phrase "'til death do us part". If marriage is brought into the Kingdom of God, death, as a separation, is powerless over it. Christ has destroyed death by His Cross and Resurrection; therefore, the union of man and woman in Christ is eternal."

Love is a beautiful thing, even when it brings us heartache and pain. 

One last thought: I just finished watching "Sense and Sensibility" (the Emma Thompson version) and near the end Elinor says to Marianne: "Afterall that is bewitching in the idea of one's happiness entirely depending on one person . . . it is not always possible, we must accept." 

Of course it is possible.  Perhaps not with another person here on earth, but certainly with our Lord, Jesus Christ.

This painting is called "Preparations for the Wedding" Isn't it beautiful?

How far have we come in 10 years?

I put up the flags on my facebook. I wore a red, white, and blue heart shaped pin to church.  We prayed for all those who perished in the terrorist attacks.  That is as far as I go.  No news, no coverage, no footage.  People are saying that as a country we are stronger now and more unified because of 9/11.  I wanna know where they are buying their rose colored glasses.  From where I stand, we are NOT stronger and we are NOT unified, and we have not come more than an inch or so.  After 10 years we still fighting this war.  Everytime I put my liquids in my plastic bag for my carry on, and take off my shoes at the airport, I am reminded of 9/11, and the fear those events continue to inspire.  

I will share with you the one image from that day that haunts me still, and undoubtedly will continue to do so till the day I die.  Video footage of people in Palestine celebrating.  I knew from history, books, televsion and movies that people have that kind of hatred for other people, but I never KNEW that people could HATE other people SO MUCH.  I found that terrifying.  I had no idea there were people that hate America THAT MUCH.  10 years later, after the news breaks that we finally "got" Osama Bin Laden what do we see on the news?  Celebrations.  People: death, murder, terror, destruction, are all things NEVER to be celebrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Honestly? I was deeply ashamed when I heard that some Americans were celebrating his death, etc.  Are we any better than the people who highjacked those planes?  and the people back "home" who supported them?  

Besides Pearl Harbor, this is the only time an "attack" has ever been made on American soil.  You know, despite how truly, deeply tragic and horrific this event was, we have NO IDEA of what war and suffering is when it is on our home soil.  Unlike so many other countries that still live with that kind of violence, hatred, and real, true fear.  For a country whose history is literally written with the blood of it's own people, we have NO REAL CONCEPTION of the true sacrifices our forefathers truly made on our behalf.  

Now, I am as much of or even more of a patriot than the next person, but I love the United States of Amercia and what we stand for.  What I DON'T love is what we ARE.  I love what our forefathers died for: "One Nation, Under GOD, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."  "We hold these truths to be self evident: that ALL men are created EQUAL. That they are endowed by their CREATOR with certain inalienable rights. That among these rights are LIFE, LIBERTY, and the pursuit of HAPPINESS."  Now, some may say, why bother we ain't never gonna make it. We ain't never gonna be able to live up to those fine words.  REGARDLESS, what our forefathers died to give us, is damn well worth honoring and fighting for, and it is something I would be prepared to lay down my life for.  With all our terrible imperfections, I have to believe in the country that Washington, Jefferson, and Adams dreamed of.  If I couldn't I could not longer love my counrty or call myself a patriot.

So in conclsion I find myself asking only one question today: the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks: How far have we come?  

The answer: not far enough. :-(