. . . and I don't think a single episode of a t.v. show has ever affected me so deeply. It broke my heart. :'(
Why, when people love each other, even in fiction, can they not tell each other? And even when they do, why lie about knowing it later??!!
I love these two characters and I know it sounds silly to be so invested in fictional television characters, but, it just seems to go against human nature not to tell someone when you love them. I know the pain of rejection. I know it firsthand. I know because in the past I have nearly always put my heart on the line, offering it, and always having it handed or at times even thrown back at me. So, is it always better to tell the truth?
It all comes down to this: are you willing to put yourself on the line? Offer yourself to another human being? allow them the opportunity of coming so deeply into who you both truly are, that you will both be utterly transformed, and never be the same again? It is an awesome and terrifying prospect. What will it reveal about you? about the other person? What wonders await you? And what horrors too? Is this the person that you believe will continue to love you, because of and in spite of who you are? Can you do the same for them? Even when you have been through the fire and the pain, the ecstasy and the beauty? In the end, the discovery of the truth in ourselves and those we love, the discovery of Christ in each and every one of us, ultimately approaching the divine in all of us, and unleashing what we were truly meant to be . . . . is that not something worth giving everything for? Your heart, your soul, your every breath and moment of your life, waking and sleeping?
I HATE this gray area of life! Why does it have to be SO GRAY?! I know I prefer things to be black and white, and I know that is just not possible. What is it that makes it all so complicated? The answer? People. With their oddities and complexities, people are astounding and perplexing. Frustrating and wonderful! Fascinating and infuriating! Annoying and oddly endearing! All at the same time! No wonder we get into so muchtrouble!! ;-) Sometimes I wonder why God bothers with us at all . . . but I thank Him every day, that He does!
But still, it is the unknown which holds us back. I still remember the rush and thrill of my first crush. :-) I can remember the exact moment I fell for the guy! He was 2 years older (I was almost 12!) and I wrote him a love letter, left it at church (his family had just been chrismated at our church, and we went to the same private school) and . . . are you ready for this? I spelled his name wrong!! I was SO NAIVE!! Of course, now, in hindsight, I can just smile and laugh it off, but when he broke my 12 year old heart, it was crushing! Did I learn from that first experience? I suppose so, but the thing it taught me was that love does not conquer everything. . . . at least not unless it is reciprocated. Not knowing if someone you love loves you in the same way, is the most frightening thing, especially if the two of you are good friends. How could you ever go back to that friendship if the other person doesn't feel the same?! You can't. And so, you have to be willing to risk that, in order to tell the truth. Now, some people won't or don't, and stay silent. They (hopefully) put their trust in God, that if He opened their heart to the possibility of this relationship, that He will do the same for the other person. Of course, as my dad likes to say, "The Lord helps those who help themselves". So, it is still a gray area that is oh so very difficult to walk through!
What power we allow people to have over us! They bring us unutterable joy! And seemingly unending sadness! They irritate and annoy, they surprise and startle, they amuse and endear themselves to us every day. They bring SO MUCH into our lives!! WHY can't we tell them as much?!
Why do we have to continue feeling so insecure, that we can't share how we feel, myself most definitely included?!
This is what lingers in my mind as I go to sleep tonight. . . . .
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